the other side

sitting here in the morning. journaling.
i feel strange. but good. tired. wanting more sleep, yet when I awoke this morning that was not possible. Probably around 5 I realized that I was mostly awake. Not able to settle down. but it is still early. and I am still tired. this is all so far wonderful. SO great that I am already fearing the end of it. what next? yet I focus on the moment. Or hope to. There are emotions here that I am trying to fight. And need more help. But again. I can’t let these heart issues get to me. I always do. I always get broken by thinking. By feeling. I do want to feel, but for something else. I am here to listen to God. To hear something I have not heard in so long. To reconnect with a distant voice. One far gone. I hear it in new ways now. I do. But I still must admit how lost I feel, how dark night can be for me. This is a reality no matter where I am, and that is more and more apparent everywhere I go. When will darkness dissipate? It does in increments, yet nights are rarely smooth for me. Last night I broke a bit. Last night I fell apart within. No one would know. And it is challenging that I will not quite open up about this to anyone yet. Maybe this is part of my growth. To deal with this internally. maybe I need to turn to sketches and photos and watercolor. I fear telling people at this point. Not that they would see weakness, but that I would be pitied. And I am not looking for that. Maybe this is part of my humbling experience. To be pitied. And to be okay with this. But I want to be strong. I don’t want to be seen as THAT girl. that depressed girl. I always open up without holding back, and then end up too vulnerable . Mostly i desire vulnerability, but being so transparent has its pros and cons. There is a time for it, and not yet.

I want to be me, though. And I will. I love where I am. I enjoy the company. I am anxious and overjoyed by this journey.

How will this inspire my art? I am not sure. Art is about relation and connection. About seeing a human lost-ness and a mood or being throughout all. Whether this is apparent in an expression, or brokenness, or even joy. I do not know my place, yet I hope this experience will provide focus. Or maybe this is a time to express myself without having to share with everyone. To express for the pure need to express, rather than have others look. I'm not going to show these things, yet.

darkness overwhelms. I’m going to be okay with this though. I’m going to not fear this and rather work through it. although why does this impact me whether I am home or in Oregon or in seattle or anywhere? Or Africa? Maybe there is a place where I will feel more alive. Or less broken. Or less obviously internally messed up.
i’ll strive forward. I cannot let myself sink. Because Africa is wonderful and there always exists hope, even if it is anything but vivid. driving through town yesterday I felt a mood of light. I just have to hold onto this.
however this may be.
-meg


...So do whatever most kindles love in you.
[Saint Teresa of Avila]