anxious peace and falling rain

in rwanda i am taking two courses:
1. Peacebuilding and Reconciliation-
an in depth study of Rwandan history and how it led up to the genocide
a focus on how peace and reconciliation have and have not been achieved
pastor anistase: professor with amazing mannerisms. unique. awkward.
beautiful story. adorable. sweet soul. beginning of PHARP,
an organization set up to provide assistance to genocide survivors
guest speakers: detailing us on court systems, titled GACACA. and other stories
visiting memorial sites. what a brutal challenge. but not even a fraction of the pain felt by those involved, so therefore necessary to see.
2. Social Context of Development-
an intriguing study of what development truly is, and what it needs to be
seeking a new definition of poverty and social transformation
next week we will set out in groups for 8 days in the field doing case studies.
taught by Dwight and assisted by Aryn Baxter

both interesting. both helpful. both challenging.


but what more? I am sitting in anxious peace. my mind constantly occupied. i adore rwanda. i truly do. my mind, though, is jumping through loops of dreams and visions of my future.
i think of my friends without homes in portland.
i think of a possible journey to ireland this summer.
i think of my roommates. cyn. ang. jinzy. how i miss you
i think of my others loves, my australian Rachel.
i think of home. Devyn. and girls from my freshman year dorm.
I think of family. and i miss you all. even those unmentioned, i think of you often.

and i dream. and i sit in anxious peace still. and i have much to do, much to process. I cannot get the images of awful genocide out of my mind, and i think, what drives a person to such pain that he enables himself to murder?
I admire the court system. I admire the progress rwanda has made.

even more i think of my nightmare last night.
there i was. surrounded my skulls. surrounded by bones. slouched over on a curb crying once a stream then flowing into a river of tears.

yet through this intense pain that is not even able to be put to words yet, i MUST have you know that i am at a serious place of contentment. you see, depression has been a lifelong battle, but at this moment i sit in a place of joy. yes, pain still. but pain always. in all reality though, i feel genuine peace.
i can't think of a time where i've felt this good. this independent. this on top of depression. this at ease.

and thus i sit in anxious peace. because i am anxious for my future. anxious for the blurry dreams i have. anxious SO much so to sit in an art studio and paint. and anxious to tell people of what i've seen... anxious even still to hug those i've missed for so long.

i say:
oh darn, only 4 weeks left.
and oh good, only 4 weeks left. total contradiction, but no rush to finish, and intense excitement to be home again.

but among the angst, there is incredible peace.