thoughts. maybe

depression exists. depression is me. but so is gleeful living. it is me. and you. what on earth does it mean. pain. tears. joy. sadness. laughter. dance. song. all in the span of an hour. a moment. a day.
it means love and hurt and everything at once and zero explanation yet every explanation. there are no words yet all words. there is complete happiness and complete brokenness. there are pills, no pills. thoughts of ending it all, thoughts of living forever.
who are we. who are we in this pain. who am i. "i ask silently that all my destinations will accept the one that's me so i can breathe." (Eddie Veder Into the Wild) go to africa and help children. go to portland and share stories with the homeless. who is being helped? me or them? or none of us? is it God's love working through each individual? Not sure. maybe God does not exist. maybe there is mere emptiness out there. or mere spirituality. or christianity. or buddhism. or judaism. or philosophy. or atheism. or those who fear doubt, or those who doubt all.
yet we are all connected. through passion and pain. me. you. the children. the elderly. the poor. the rich. maybe this can bring hope. does hope have to be joy or can endless tears, those that screech from the depths, somehow still seek. i do not know. just remember everyone and thank you for those who do. responsible for the other. for the others. for those in proximity. for all. i cry, but so does she. so does he. i laugh, but so do they. at least.
maybe unity in this. minimal judgment. limited accusations. compassion? yes. indeed. i feel absolutely hopeless. falling into darkness. so often inescapable. often hurting others. broken. sorry. but it is because i love you. i want to love all. the other is me. it is you. it is him. it is her. it is everyone.

life or death? no. just love. and hold on. we are together, somehow.
i admit this may make no sense, but sometimes words must be jumbled.
confusing? yes. but so is life, and pain can be beautiful. just reach. love no matter. believe, no matter. trust, no matter. hope. strive for authenticity. be bold, no matter. be beautiful. and love "above all else." one day, maybe even this moment, darkness shifts to dancing.

a blade of grass may pierce the dormant, therefore exist.

so we can breathe.
giggle, too.