that's a wrap! and we won.

we won the scion competition.
and for that I am happy.

http://www2.947.fm/photos/gallery/60.

i still have 10 pages left and a billion art things/
and for that I am a zombie.

but alas, summer is near.
(granted it is raining outside...)

jinz migz

because today I was painting a bench after losing myself last night.
the sun was out.
i was burning a bit.
Jenny called and asked how I was.
I then walked to sit in the beautiful canyon.
i draw the rendition of my legs on a watercolor sheet in conte crayon.
odd perspective.
of all the beautiful landscape and the creek trickling in that direction i look down and paint my black dress over my whitened legs.

therapy to watercolor my own figure.
as if the pain of last night is releasing with each brush. each sporadic decision of color and value.

and then jenny meets me.
and seduces me away from painting to go to the coffee cottage.
we walked away from the coffee cottage and while i was there I even reached my paper topic for Levinas.
"justice and responsibility"

i break sometimes.
but all along there is an unspoken gratefulness that potentially stirs tears.
I am blessed by Jenny.
And by the rest who have shown love.

even amidst pain
there is human relationship.

wisdom of love

What is philosophy?
Philo: love
Sophy (Sophia): wisdom
Love of wisdom... <--it is often thought to be true.
Emmanuel Levinas says, no, PHILOSOPHY IS THE WISDOM OF LOVE.

In four days is a 12-15 page paper due. One where I must ask a question based on Levinas' philosophy.
Levinas entire philosophy surrounded by this truth:
I am responsible for the Other.
In four days is also a Mixed Media poetry project due.
In five days: myself and 9 other artists will compete against PNCA and PSU art departments for a Scion car event.
In three days: 40 watercolor paintings.
In two weeks: 5 prints and a presentation.
Next Tuesday: An ethics paper.
Next week: Check out from this apartment (from this semester, from these roommates who have proved a greater blessing than I could have expected or asked for)
And two weeks from tomorrow (monday) I'll sit on a plane that will direct itself to Dublin, Ireland.
meaning that I will again say good bye and good bye and good bye to people so damn dear to me.
I already said good bye to family a few weeks ago in california. And it never proves to become simpler, or easier.

Good bye good bye good bye. Always having to say it. And still I will be okay.
I only ask that you know that I love you
I only ask that in my distance you grasp onto a love that I try to give.
I love ask that you feel my heart for you.
I love you.
I love anyone, or try to at least.
And I love you.
And I cried hard last night. A saturday night. because I am sorry.
I am sorry that I hurt you in times of stress.
I am sorry that I don't always call and seem absent, my family.
I am sorry when I fail you, professors.
I am sorry when I ignore your authoritative call to me.
I am sorry when the stress of life distracts me from loving you.
From loving you as a duty.
From loving you without focus on self.


Last night I was triggered by a tiny event.
A little break, then cracking like vines, spreading like tree branches.

Woe is me. Woe is me. I do not want to act in such a way. I do not want to break into such weakness. I do not want to call for help because I am prideful and broken, yet I also want you here, now.

And I don't know what I want,
but I do know that I eagerly await this summer in a sort of apathy.
I eagerly await a new adventure in a foreign land.

And I know that I am happy (in this moment) in my apartment.
Cyndi (who was once in Spain) is now writing a paper over there on that couch.
I am here "writing a paper" on this couch.
Both of us on this Sunday drinking french press coffee once we realized that my Mbale, Ugandan coffee is out.

And I mostly want you to know that I love you.
Thank you for your love, because I felt it even in the storm that hit last night.
For each of you, I am grateful.
And I beg that you feel my heart hurting and laughing and rejoicing with your sorrows and joys.

tunnel

a semester nearly gone.
blessings.
pains.
it's been over four months since the land of matooke, matatus, and all that.
all that which i love.
so three weeks until i step on yet another journey of which I am the least bit prepared, yet i learn with time that preparation often cannot occur until it forces itself upon you.


ireland, scotland, and then two months in belfast, northern ireland.

let the contrast between worlds of east africa and the united kingdom begin, and prayer as i enter into the tunnel of art and philosophy finals...