week two and now thoughts

talented women. wow.

a mother's love.

some rubbish above.

lonely child.

then laughter.

and unity

i wander. and everywhere i see the same thing. people hurting. people feeling alone. people not knowing where to go or what to be or who to go to. women being highly mistreated. and not even knowing that they COULD have more rights. to be honest, i just feel tears. deep down tears. they are not surfacing because if i'm going to be strong for these people then how can my pain show?

and strength. what is it. is it in itself vulnerability? being so comfortable with yourself that you can show everything? the people around Kampala. transparent. or those in the rural areas.

these children. less than age 4. sitting. mindlessly. begging. hoping for something. and yesterday i couldn't give women or kids money. because often they are using the money to go buy drugs. not all of them, but many. and i couldn't help. because if i want to invest i need to make the choice. even food would be better than 10,000 shillings. but I want to form relationships.

the other day though, all i could do was stare, shake my head "no," and cry inside. all day. I just felt a darkness, a laziness, a confusion. I was born in America. I was born in a successful country in terms of some. I can't be angry because I did not have a choice of birthplace, i simply have to accept that all things are as they should and all things will work out. and that people are born where they are for a reason. but then why are these children dying. why did they have to be born here? why are there so many millions of orphans in uganda, left in dumpsters and potholes and on doorsteps.

if enough people seek change, isn't this how revolutions begin? if people join together, all of us... the broken, the poor, the impoverished, the idealists, the realists, those who hope, those who can no longer, maybe then darkness will shift. maybe dancing will happen. just maybe.

africa. i spoke to a congo refugee today. there was a genocide, some say WORSE than that of Rwanda, and it is barely known. this man is hurt by africa. he is being chased by african police forces. no matter where he goes, he lacks freedom. he believes in God and in Christ and for him, this provides something brighter. Yet he says, "there is this burden, always."
he has lost his family. no sisters. no brothers. parents gone. and all he wants is prayer. hope. please don't forget these people. maybe we cannot do much, but maybe we can remember. and we can remember with love.

i do not know what to do. I do not know what help i can be. i am a mere college student with a tiny budget and a personality full of dreams, very few of which are ever actually pursued intensely. I know nothing. all i know is that love speaks in ways maybe we will never understand. the children move in around me and they wave and they smile and it never fails to touch my heart. it warms my heart. this little girl today. absolutely splendid. yet she is poor. her dress has holes. and her face a scar or two.

she can smile though. if she can smile, why can't i? there needs to be a lesson. what is poverty. and why is it always defined in terms of economics? what is westernization. where is beauty?
i think the answer is simple. beauty is everywhere, but cannot always be understood. physical and spiritual hungers need healing. if westernization moves in, it cannot wipe away african tradition. there needs to be something compensating such a loss.

yes i'm a broken, impoverished human being. and yes i don't know what the hell this life requires of me. yes, i want to cry.
and yes, i am being eaten alive by mosquitos. thank God for Malaria medication, for good music. for tasty food. and for the existence of human souls and hearts and connection. for the peers that are on this journey with me. for family. and friends back home. for mushed bananas known here as Matoke. and sweet potatoes. and giggles. and even though i just attended the longest wedding known to mankind, thank god for love.

africa. america. china. tibet. ireland. india. etc. etc. etc.

no matter where one is, a message:
"we can do no great things; only small things with great love."
mother teresa

keep seeking. i miss you.