the minister

we met this minister.
she is a stunning woman.
full of grace and peace and strength.
she began a ministry for those around her community that caters to children who have lost family members. the program uses art therapy to help children cope.
i was so inspired.
i don't always know why I am inspired. Why do I want to do everything? and why am I only human? There are so many people to help. Orphanages, Homeless people, my neighbor's next door.
I am only human.
I am only human.
And being only human, I am called to love my neighbor. My near-dweller. I am called to respond to the first face I see. Self-forgetting, other-loving.
Thank you Kierkegaard, Levinas, Jesus.
I am reminded that their is grace. But that always people will need love. So I can never stop. We can never stop. This need for love is a-satiable.

The sweet minister I mentioned earlier offered Rachel and I her home to stay in for the next 10 days.
She loved, and how gleeful I am!

:)

edinburgh, scotland

sometimes i arrive in a place and feel empty. dark. overcome by solitude and loneliness even when surrounded by thousands.

others, though, are opposite.

upon arrival to edinburgh, scotland, only feelings of hope.
this place is rich in history. each building dating back centuries.
the people move quickly, but there is a sense of community.
condensed city. almost like portland. architecture pulling me in.
scottish tourists shops and charity shops and coffee and tea.

traditional and beautiful.
but words are only so much.
only so powerful.

i am feeling lonely often, but after a kind of dark week, i feel mostly restored.
Last weekend we ventured to the spiritual island of Iona. Incredibly beautiful. And absolutely brilliant.
I returned though to a city in Scotland called Stirling. Really beautiful. But also very exhausted from the constant movement from city to city, place to place, adjustment to adjustment.

Arrival to Edinburgh seems absolutely grand. Because Rachel and I plan on staying here for over 10 days. We are hoping to find a place to stay and we will have a home for a good amount of time.

How eager I am for Belfast.

How much I miss you.

How grateful I am for the paradox of solitude... lonely and beautiful. Painful and Joyful.

-Megh

cottonballs

it has been about 7 days now.
and what do i think of ireland?

with its often passive aggresive nature (although I'll avoid generalizing)
and its not so welcoming element
and sometimes the loneliness that overtakes
and even the feelings of confusion

i absolutely love ireland

i list off the few negative elements, because in truth every negative in fact is only a blur of a a deeper positive, a distortion of a deeper good. is there really an evil? i believe all things are good and when we see evil... that evil is only a privation of a more present light.
because in truth the passive aggressive component can teach me a lesson to gentleness.
the fact that people often are more reserved shows a beautiful element of mystery.
the distance between my country and your country illustrates respect for homeland, and history, and tradition.
and the lonely attitude only comes at times. and again i'll iterate that loneliness is also only a distortion of good. it is only a truth that I am forced to spend time in solitude. and should i truly run from myself? No. the solitude is necessary and most often i embrace it fully (or at least attempt).
confusion only results from my presence in another country. i compare and contrast. i compare the incomparabe nature of africa to the incomparable nature of ireland. and i expect clarity? In fact it is again blurry when i begin to compare. there are indeed similarities but the strongest is that truth that within each country is humanness. each individual i encounter is human. how, then, can i compare? countries that are composed of people, all existing within uniqueness.

so we have driven through green pastures. sheep are as cottonballs, floundering about on green lands. cows are adorable and everywhere. horses run wildly at times. i walk through cities as well and find people from everywhere. i hear languages amidst other languages and people pass by.
dublin is interesting. a big city full of history and past, yet also people. people running everywhere doing everything. i stick to the statement that you've seen one city and you've seen them all, but that would in fact erase the unique definition of dublin. i love it. and pubs are public houses. hard to find an authentic one in dublin because they are made to create satisfaction for tourists, yet i have indeed found what i'd love to call authentic.

just the other day i escaped the group setting after attending a catholic mass, rich in historical nature. the glass windows of color and the sunshine shedding in. the angelic hymns surrounding. vocals, prayers in unison. Dad always said "Stand up Sit down FIght! FIght! FIght!" I still agree, Pops, but it is quite intriguing, isn't it? people from all walks of life reciting verses together. Even though I cannot agree with all that is Catholic, I can much approve of the setting. I felt so heavy. the weight of centuries gently on my shoulders.

and after mass, as I said, I wandered alone. My journal, myself, and I, in this beautiful city called Galway.
i wandered throughout the city finding local housing and universities. and suddenly I asked for guidance... asking the spirits? the angels? the God? Whatever it was, I suddenly heard music from a nearby door. There were old men playing and singing and hyming irish music. I met a German girl. 23 and travelling throughout Ireland. It is these interactions that I live for... the interactions where human being meets human being. In my independence I find connection. And apparently this is the best pub in all of Galway.

and I love this place. We have seen ruins amidst hills and abbeys and I have ran along cliffs toward ancient rubble.

i cannot help but compare what I already know, thinking of africa and home.

and while there are challenges, this journey is beautiful.
just one night left in galway.
tomorrow is belfast.
and a few days from now we head to scotland.

i love you dear family and friends.

I thank the Lord for this opportunity, for these next few months of human exploration, and I ask that you feel my love.
_megh

Dublin or Portland?

So today we arrived after transit.
Wandered about beautiful Dublin. Quite remniscent of Portland with its gray sky and little patches of sun and entertaining people and colorful buildings and green green lands/

feels like home.

today has been a bit of wandering about.
Looked at the Ancient book of kells (beautiful and ornate) at Trinity College.
TOok a wondrous nap.
A warm shower.
THen wandered around in solitude until I found a nice little pub.
It is a local pub because I was only surrounded by Irish accents and old Irish men/ felt as though I was in a movie... too damn good to be true.
"would ye like a Shepard's pie? Its mee favorit."

"The Fokin horse races..."
"Oh, fok's sake/"

How I thrive off of this atmosphere :)/
Already challenges exist, but mostly I sit in peace. It is nice. And heartwarming. And my hostel of yellow walls and red curtains is comforting.

I love the contours of traditionally irish faces... although Ireland is indeed an assemblage of people.

I am happy and I am thinking of you.
Another day in DUblin until we further our way toward Scotland.

"But your solitude will be a hold and a home for you even amid very unfamiliar conditions and from there you will find all your ways."
Rilke
Letters To a Young Poet.

So these words rest with me in my summer solitude.

that's a wrap! and we won.

we won the scion competition.
and for that I am happy.

http://www2.947.fm/photos/gallery/60.

i still have 10 pages left and a billion art things/
and for that I am a zombie.

but alas, summer is near.
(granted it is raining outside...)

jinz migz

because today I was painting a bench after losing myself last night.
the sun was out.
i was burning a bit.
Jenny called and asked how I was.
I then walked to sit in the beautiful canyon.
i draw the rendition of my legs on a watercolor sheet in conte crayon.
odd perspective.
of all the beautiful landscape and the creek trickling in that direction i look down and paint my black dress over my whitened legs.

therapy to watercolor my own figure.
as if the pain of last night is releasing with each brush. each sporadic decision of color and value.

and then jenny meets me.
and seduces me away from painting to go to the coffee cottage.
we walked away from the coffee cottage and while i was there I even reached my paper topic for Levinas.
"justice and responsibility"

i break sometimes.
but all along there is an unspoken gratefulness that potentially stirs tears.
I am blessed by Jenny.
And by the rest who have shown love.

even amidst pain
there is human relationship.

wisdom of love

What is philosophy?
Philo: love
Sophy (Sophia): wisdom
Love of wisdom... <--it is often thought to be true.
Emmanuel Levinas says, no, PHILOSOPHY IS THE WISDOM OF LOVE.

In four days is a 12-15 page paper due. One where I must ask a question based on Levinas' philosophy.
Levinas entire philosophy surrounded by this truth:
I am responsible for the Other.
In four days is also a Mixed Media poetry project due.
In five days: myself and 9 other artists will compete against PNCA and PSU art departments for a Scion car event.
In three days: 40 watercolor paintings.
In two weeks: 5 prints and a presentation.
Next Tuesday: An ethics paper.
Next week: Check out from this apartment (from this semester, from these roommates who have proved a greater blessing than I could have expected or asked for)
And two weeks from tomorrow (monday) I'll sit on a plane that will direct itself to Dublin, Ireland.
meaning that I will again say good bye and good bye and good bye to people so damn dear to me.
I already said good bye to family a few weeks ago in california. And it never proves to become simpler, or easier.

Good bye good bye good bye. Always having to say it. And still I will be okay.
I only ask that you know that I love you
I only ask that in my distance you grasp onto a love that I try to give.
I love ask that you feel my heart for you.
I love you.
I love anyone, or try to at least.
And I love you.
And I cried hard last night. A saturday night. because I am sorry.
I am sorry that I hurt you in times of stress.
I am sorry that I don't always call and seem absent, my family.
I am sorry when I fail you, professors.
I am sorry when I ignore your authoritative call to me.
I am sorry when the stress of life distracts me from loving you.
From loving you as a duty.
From loving you without focus on self.


Last night I was triggered by a tiny event.
A little break, then cracking like vines, spreading like tree branches.

Woe is me. Woe is me. I do not want to act in such a way. I do not want to break into such weakness. I do not want to call for help because I am prideful and broken, yet I also want you here, now.

And I don't know what I want,
but I do know that I eagerly await this summer in a sort of apathy.
I eagerly await a new adventure in a foreign land.

And I know that I am happy (in this moment) in my apartment.
Cyndi (who was once in Spain) is now writing a paper over there on that couch.
I am here "writing a paper" on this couch.
Both of us on this Sunday drinking french press coffee once we realized that my Mbale, Ugandan coffee is out.

And I mostly want you to know that I love you.
Thank you for your love, because I felt it even in the storm that hit last night.
For each of you, I am grateful.
And I beg that you feel my heart hurting and laughing and rejoicing with your sorrows and joys.

tunnel

a semester nearly gone.
blessings.
pains.
it's been over four months since the land of matooke, matatus, and all that.
all that which i love.
so three weeks until i step on yet another journey of which I am the least bit prepared, yet i learn with time that preparation often cannot occur until it forces itself upon you.


ireland, scotland, and then two months in belfast, northern ireland.

let the contrast between worlds of east africa and the united kingdom begin, and prayer as i enter into the tunnel of art and philosophy finals...